THAT ONE REASON

                          THAT ONE REASON


4 long years…….but besides the all crazy, happy memories all I could clearly remember that every time I was so much alien and was in constant fear. Well I am no rapist not a murderer either but all this time I felt like….with them.

I always used to think, ”what was the fault in me????” yeah I thought I was guilty and I must be doing something wrong. I never blamed other…never instated I just took the responsibility of everything. Tried everything for 4 years to join my brotherhood but no matter what every time I felt like a outsider, an alien.

But there was just one reason. I  tried so much to ignore this reason. It felt like it was just in my mind. Why????????

Maybe I was so much afraid of change. Maybe I still wanted to mingle with people ignoring the facts just to be happy. Maybe I didn’t wanted to lose faith in myself. maybe I didn't had that guts to accept the truth.

I was so much alone all the time. Was desperate for some help. Wanted a person just to share. was searching my twin soul actually. I had everything but a negative vibe was sucked inside me. This feeling erased self-respect, confidence, freedom and my personality from me. I forgot the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, I accepted everyone’s opinions because I just thought they are good and just there is a fault in me.

It becomes very difficult you know….when are about to realise that the whole universe is going to be against you. Imagine the fear and loneliness that your heart carries everyday makes u so much weak. Cant sleep…..dont want to wake up in reality either. With this u gotta fight……pretend to be strong but reality strikes you every time. Cannot hide cannot run just face it and fight it.

But know what …..i am tired fighting!!!! “People”  were a big issue for me cause I wanted them to love me ….to accept me. Lived under toes .
but got to put a full stop.

I won't survive I will live…
this one reason is responsible for killing me from inside, kicking me out of the gang, and fuck it now.

Better alone than fake.

I cant lose myself. I cant let the spark inside me die for stupid reason…..its okay to sleep down with your diminishing spark …but make sure when  get up ….u get up with the hell of fire.
I will just accept the reality that no matter what …..
I am different........& I will be always….and I am not ashamed of it.

This is how I am.

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